Is the following situation familiar to you?  

If so, you probably recognize that you have a problem.  Consider whether mediation can help your family.

My parents have been divorced for 2 years.  They still argue all the time.  Or, they don’t talk at all.  I hate it.  It’s like they’re still married. 

When I’m with my mother, she’ll say terrible things about my father.  When I’m at my father’s, I can’t say a word about my mother.  If I even say something to him like, ‘Mom said that she’ll pick me up at school on Friday,’ he gets furious. 

They don’t get how much it hurts me.  I just try not to make them mad.  I just want to disappear sometimes, so that I won’t do anything to upset them, and so I won’t have to know how much they hate each other.

These parents have a lot of anger and resentment.  Their child is in a lot of pain – pain that the parents’ behavior is causing.

The problem?  While the couple is legally divorced (the judge signed the necessary papers), the couple still:

●  hasn’t learned to communicate well (they “argue all the time,” or “don’t talk at all” ).

●  isn’t able – or maybe just isn’t willing – to make the following and extremely important distinction:  they are no longer husband and wife; but, they are still parents.  BOTH of them remain parents to their child.

Each parent should support their child’s relationship with the other parent, or at least not undermine that relationship.

[Note:  In this example, the child is not in any physical danger.  However, the parents’ behavior is very damaging to their child.] 

When Mom disparages Dad, she undermines their child’s relationship with her former spouse.  This is not ok.  She needs to better handle her anger.  This might involve attending a support group or going to therapy.  It may be alright to sometimes speak negatively about her ex – but not to their child.

Dad, by not allowing their child to talk – or even mention – the other parent, is undermining their child’ relationship with Mom.  Dad is implying that there is something wrong or bad about Mom, so much so that the child shouldn’t even refer to her.

For this Dad, there obviously is something ‘bad’ about his former spouse.  The legal divorce is over, but he still hasn’t dealt with or gotten past whatever was between them.  That’s a problem for him – with his ex.  But he shouldn’t allow this problem with his ex to damage the child’s relationship with Mom.  



The adults are divorced. 

• Mom is no longer Dad’s wife – but Mom is still the child’s mother.
• Dad is on longer Mom's husband - but Dad is still the child's father.  

These are two distinct relationships.  Parents who can’t make this distinction will have problems, and cause their children to suffer.



Is mediation a better alternative than returning to court?  Contact me.

After a divorce, former spouses who continue to be tied together – for instance, because they have children – can expect to have conflict.

Children grow and change.  A parenting schedule that worked for a 4-year old will not work for a teenager.  New financial questions may have to be dealt with.  Change can be stressful on everyone.  People will disagree and argue.

Consider mediating your disputes.  Learn how mediation works. 

A trained mediator can help you help you and your ex through a process designed to improve communication and increase understanding by the parties.  Mediation, quite unlike the courts, encourages discussion and cooperation in developing options that can meet the needs of parents and children alike. 



Mediation is not about blame, and there is no judge; in fact, it is the parties who make the decisions.  There is only the mediator, working with both ex-spouses together, facilitating a conversation and working to keep the parties on track and focused on how to move ahead, so that everyone involved can benefit as much as possible.

Find out if mediation may be a better way to go this time around.  Contact me.

You’ve been to court and know what it’s like.

Why would you go back?

Former spouses who litigated their divorce have often had a bad experience with the system.  Frequently, both former spouses are unhappy with the outcome of court proceedings. 

The court process is about winning and losing, and not about sharing information and developing ways to go forward that will help the family thrive.  Helping parties to manage or resolve problems is not what courts do; it is not what they were ever intended to do.  Since litigation is an adversarial process, one spouse is pitted against the other.

Court is largely about looking at the past and assigning blame. Court papers, sessions with forensic psychologists, and testimony in a trial can be filled with allegations of bad conduct by the other parent.  The allegations may misrepresent or exaggerate incidents that have taken place in the past.  They may be fabricated.

The court is able to give spouses a divorce decree.  This action ends the legal marriage, and makes the parties eligible to legally marry again.  But in most cases, the court isn’t able do a thing to help the parties move on emotionally in a healthy way.  On the contrary, after the divorce, many ex-spouses are angrier, more distrustful, depressed or fearful than at the beginning of the divorce. 

So when issues arise between you and your ex, how will you handle them?   If it was hard to communicate before, will it be any easier now?

Having been through the court system already, does returning to court make sense when disagreements with your ex come up now?

Find out if mediation may be a better way to go this time around.  Contact me.



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