New York City is a vibrant place. Millions of people live here, in a relatively small geographic area. Consider that roughly the same number of people live in New York City’s 5 boroughs, as live in New York State’s other fifty-seven counties.
So it isn’t surprising that conflicts arise. Many of us live in apartment buildings, literally one apartment on top of the next. To varying degrees, we can hear our neighbors’ music and arguments. We may know, without wanting to, what they are having for dinner.
Those living in the same place for a long time, with neighbors whose children have grown up and moved out, may get used to the relative quiet. When these neighbors move out and a family with young children buys or rents the apartment, tensions can arise between the new and longtime residents.
Residents of houses often have similar issues. There can conflicts over barking dogs, trees hanging over a neighbor’s yard, parking spots, throwing parties, and the placement of garbage cans, to name a few.
Most of the time, each neighbor believes that s/he “is in the right.” Therefore, the other person/family is “wrong” and “inconsiderate.” It is easier to see your conflict as a matter of “right and wrong” or “all or nothing,” than to consider the idea that your neighbor may have a different perspective, and one that may have validity.
Seemingly small issues can have big consequences, such as stress, sleeplessness, and fear. They can lead to threatening communication or no communication with neighbors. They can precipitate calls to and visits from the police, even violence.
It is a lousy feeling to not “feel at home” where you are living. Mediation can often improve the situation.
How?
By giving neighbors the opportunity to speak with and better understand one another, tensions often lessen, and ways to deal with the issues can be discussed, considered, and tried.
“Talk to each other.” This step sounds so simple, but often it very challenging. Think about how many of us are unable or unwilling to do it successfully, if at all. Discussions can quickly deteriorate into arguments, leaving neighbors more upset and further apart than before attempting the conversation.
Why does mediation often work?
Having a trained and impartial third party (the mediator) in the room usually allows communication to improve. The neighbors may not be able to talk to and listen to one another; but they can almost always talk to the mediator. An experienced mediator can usually enable the parties to understand they are being heard, at least by the mediator, at first. Once people know and feel that someone is listening (without making any judgements), it becomes easier to listen to others.
Once there is listening, problems can be discussed in a constructive way. Then, of course, it becomes easier to think about ways to manage or resolve disputes and to reach agreement.
A non-adversarial approach is especially important in neighbor-neighbor disputes, because unless one of you moves away, you’ll still be neighbors, perhaps for years to come.
Contact me.
Images courtesy of basketman and winnond at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
