The loneliness of divorce, especially during the holidays

Vickie Adams, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst and Certified Financial Planner,  recently wrote about the difficulties that many have at this time of year.  (Happy Holidays? Maybe and Maybe Not.)

She begins by talking about a friend who seemingly – or perhaps actually, at one time – had the type of marriage that others would dream of.

  • I have a close friend whom I’ve known for many years. She is always busy, dressed to the nines. I’m most likely to see her pulling out of her driveway, on her way to another weekend getaway or special event with her handsome husband and a smile on her face. One year, I watched them on successive days of the week go out and keep adding to their front yard Christmas display, until I thought it could be seen from outer space. I thought, “Wow, she’s so lucky to have such a great partner who takes such an interest and is willingly out there participating in these things with her.”

But, then Adams learned from her friend that all was not as it seemed.  The couple would be divorcing, and the friend shared how she was “struggling to regain her self-worth after years of put-downs, criticism and infidelity.”  What had appeared on the surface to be one thing, was something very different underneath.

Adams finds her friend’s situation to be a “kind of analogy for the holiday season.”

  • For weeks, we are bombarded with holiday images of people enjoying meals and activities with friends and family; exchanging beautifully wrapped and often expensive gifts; decorating their homes. We are shown constantly that some lucky woman out there somewhere will be the recipient of a fabulously expensive Lexus, complete with a huge red bow, courtesy of her husband.
  • The message is that everyone is happy and joyous and has an unlimited gift budget. The subtle underlying message is, there is something wrong with you if you aren’t having the same experience.

But of course, the reality is different.

I say “of course”, but I remember my own divorce.  I felt alone, and that I was the only one going through a breakup.  That I had failed, whereas everyone else was in a successful marriage.

My feelings were not matched by what I knew to be true:  Many people  separate and divorce.

Pretty much anyone who knows anything about American society, at least when it comes to the family, is aware that divorce is common.  And as a long-time divorce mediator, I knew that as well as just about anyone.

But, I felt like it was only me.  I think that this is why the post by Adams resonates with me.

Not only are there messages telling us that this is a time to be joyous, but we as individuals may tell ourselves the same thing, beating ourselves up for sadder feelings that are natural and predictable.  We may put up a front and tell others – neighbors, friends and even family members – that things are alright, when they are anything but.

Adams writes that:

  • While some people are actually enjoying the holidays, a larger number, maybe 40%, are thinking:
    • I just have to make it through, and I can file for divorce after Christmas
    • I’m only here because of my child
    • I’d rather be alone
  • But there is nothing unique about not enjoying the holidays. Advertising and people’s perceptions aside, the holidays can be especially tough for those in the divorce process or the newly divorced. For many, it’s a time of painful memories, what if’s, adjusting to new parenting schedules, or financial concerns.

It can be hard to remember, and harder to feel, but the truth is that many people are involved in a breakup.  (This is not to say that anyone else could ‘put herself in your shoes’; you are an individual, and that is to be respected.)  Your feelings are legitimate, and if you can keep from beating yourself up for having them, this difficult time may become slightly easier.

In separation and divorce, there is a grieving process to go through.  The changing dates on a calendar can’t change that.

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All blog posts are for information purposes, and should not be considered as legal advice.

One thought on “The loneliness of divorce, especially during the holidays

  1. Excellent piece. Acknowledging that the holiday’s is rough time for oneself and many others can alleviate guilt and frustration. Truthfully, so many “intact” families have so much dysfunction that holday time is torture for them as well–worse because they have to pretend. I’m grateful that Chanukah has its own spiritual message of gratitude that helped us get through. I told my children how much we do have in being together. We made a party and invited our “intact” family friends. My kids felt really good about that even though I’m sure a part of them wished for their own traditional family.

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